i have been staring at a white screen and a cursor for quite some time now.
trying to form cohesive thoughts and sentences
but i give up. i can’t explain what has happened.
it’s so difficult for me to write about this. maybe it isn’t time, yet.
i find myself saying, over and over again, that i am no stranger to heartache. i know what it’s like to be heartbroken. and with as much as i had tried to mentally and emotionally prepare myself for the end of this long journey, i was amazed by how WRONG i was about my expectations. this is the single most difficult and traumatizing event that has ever happened in my life. I have lost people close to me, and i have lost close friends of mine. but never, in a million years would i believe you if you were to tell me that i would some day watch my little brother leave this world at such a young age.
most of you reading this blog will know that he had battled with Cancer for a little over two years. he was fearless and brave and courageous and focused during this time in his life. he wasn’t limited to or BY cancer…. so i’ll stop talking about it now. i won’t even give cancer the time of day. nope. not me. and certainly not him.
i miss him though. terribly. and i know i always will.
Connor….. i am so glad that i got to tell you how proud i was of you. that i was able to tell you that i loved you on a daily basis. that i got to spend so much time with you as a child, a teen, and an adult. i’m glad that you are my little brother. i’m proud to be known as “Connor’s Sister”…. i’m better because of the legacy you have. but more importantly…. you have strengthened me. comforted me. enlightened me. made me laugh. made my day worthwhile. made my life make sense. you are beyond amazing. beyond remarkable. BEYOND exceptional. you are one in a million…. and i’m so glad the scales tipped in our favor and God granted your life and time on earth to us.
moreover, i’m thankful for the recent events that have allowed you to see just how many people you have influenced, inspired, and motivated. it was so wonderful to see everyone come together to honor your life and passion for life and the game. It was so great to see so many people rally around you and for you to grant you happiness and laughter the way you so effortlessly did for us… even granting you your very own wish.
oh little brother, i miss you every second of every day. every second of every day!!! and my heart just aches to see you again.
we will anxiously await the day that we are called home to be with you. you were “created for a place you had never known” and i’m glad you’re finally home
and even though we are here without you… we know that we will Never Walk Alone. and that you are so happy to be there waiting for us. and you know what, little brother….?
we love you. we love you. we love you, too!
we were told that approximately 650 people attended Connor’s funeral!!!
i know he’s laughing about that. because he can probably name about twenty people and then start smiling his big white smile and then say “i dunno…. i don’t know very many people”
my parents and i are unable to know who all had attended, yet we are thankful for every single person that filled a seat the day of his service. we are thankful for the memories you shared with us. we are thankful for the time you spent with us in the hospital. for the generosity bestowed upon us. for the prayers. thoughts. tissues. we are thankful for the silent comfort. for the arms that always wrapped around our shoulders and hearts. we are eternally thankful for each phone call and card.
but more importanly, we are glad that you were able to share in his life. in his story. we are in awe of each of you. and we find much comfort in the love you had for connor.